


if it’s all in my head tell me now

by kakashisninken



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, F/M, Falling Out of Love, Hokage Kakashi, Hurt, No happy ending for Kakashi anyways, Reader Insert, Song fic, bar mention, canonverse, fem reader - Freeform, inspired by tolerate it by taylor swift, no happy ending, not cheating but not brushing off advances, sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:14:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28135239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakashisninken/pseuds/kakashisninken
Summary: why did your husband look right through you as if you were made of glass? is it all in your head?song fic inspired by tolerate it by taylor swift
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Reader
Comments: 24
Kudos: 97





	if it’s all in my head tell me now

**Author's Note:**

> hiii i just wanted to write an angsty oneshot inspired by tolerate it by taylor swift bc I love suffering. it’s pretty short and sweet. I don’t think Kakashi would be like that but it’s fun to write

It was an unspoken fact. The role of Hokage was a busy one and the role of Hokage’s partner was a lonely one.   
  


Space and distance between your husband and yourself was quite a familiar thing even before all of this. Kakashi was an extraordinary shinobi, constantly on missions and training and everything else in between. You held such a deep admiration for him. Always there to welcome him home, always there to bandage his wounds and kiss it better. He was a brave man, a good man. A man who took a chance on you. A man who looked past all your flaws and the high walls you built to keep everyone out. He had come along with a sledgehammer and knocked it down, all without even knowing it. 

Even with the long missions away from home and the days spent training, Kakashi made an effort the best way he could. Love notes in your mailbox as he left the village for another mission. Quick kisses on your cheek when he passed you by on the street. Standing outside your bedroom windowsill at ten at night just to ask about your day. Dinners squeezed between meetings and late night training. But the thing was you never had a problem with that. You both had made the most of it while you could and that made everything okay. 

Nowadays you felt like a ghost in your own home, in the home you shared with him. 

Kakashi would come home, throw his jacket on the coat rack, lay down on the couch and close his eyes shut. You’d place a cup of tea in front of him only for it to become cold. You’d sit next to him as he read for hours on end, without uttering a word or even a glance in your direction. In the silence you’d remember the times he’d graze your knuckles with his rough fingertips even if he held a book in the other hand. You could be in the same room as him but you had never felt so far apart. He would lie in bed, sleeping peacefully and as you laid on your side watching his chest rise and fall gently, you wondered: do you dream of me the way I dream of you? 

As the Hokage’s wife, you were doing everything you were supposed to do, right? Fully committed to being his cheerleader from the sidelines. Happy for him to come home and release his problems to you. You would wait in anticipation by the front door to stand there and greet him when he was due to come home, even if ten minutes late turned into hours. 

When you hosted dinner parties for him you would go above and beyond. Tables laid with the nicest of your cutlery, decorations, and chinaware just to make him look good. Spending hours alone polishing silverware to make sure it shined extra bright. Spending hours cooking elaborate meals to impress your company and him. You’d be surrounded by his colleagues and friends at the dining table, looking across at him and hoping he was having a good time. It seemed like he’d laugh and smile at everyone else and then he would look at you, the all familiar sinking feeling in your stomach would put you off of your meal when you realised he was looking at you as if you were made of glass. Like he could see right through you, like you weren’t even there. 

You’d watch him at the bar, surrounded by all your friends. Sitting at another table across the room for ‘girl talk’, watching as young women approached him and gave their numbers to him and their flirtatious admiration for him. Kakashi was the Hokage, he belonged to the village now and he never rejected a number or any flirtatious attempts. And you would just sit there and watch. Look away and pretend not to notice him blush. It was funny, you hadn’t made him blush in a long time. 

It was funny, all the little things you had started to notice. You were always there to laugh at his funny stories, encourage him when he was feeling down and overwhelmed. Eventually you realised it had been a long time since he had asked you how your day was going. It had been a long time since he asked you how work was going. It had been a long time since he called your darling or honey or kissed your lips or held your hand. 

What were you doing wrong? Was it all in your head? Were you not seeing this properly? You wished he’d give you a sign, any sign, that he still loved you. That he appreciated your efforts and everything you do. 

You understood what he was doing for the village and you’d be grateful for his dedication for the rest of your life but as the village grew more prosperous and peaceful you couldn’t help but feel as if you were standing in the shadow of the man who built it all. While he was building a better world for the future, you were sitting at home dwelling in the past. Thinking of the man who brought down your walls, who would have climbed the tallest towers for you. Where was he now? Why couldn’t you recognise him in the lifeless glances he gave you?

And while he built these magnificent things, you were stuck learning about it from everyone else. You’d walk through the markets and hear his latest achievements through the civilian chatter and try to swallow the lump in your throat as you realised he never brought those achievements home to celebrate. Knocking on the Hokage’s door only led you to being greeted by Shikamaru, gently telling you your husband was too busy for guests. This was the man who you put above life itself and now you were begging to find out how he was from anyone, anything. 

Frustration took you over the edge, feeling so over being the equivalent of a book forgotten, collecting dust on a shelf. The more you lived in this loneliness, the more your traitorous thoughts tried to take you over. In your daydreams you had a new life far from the Land of Fire with someone holding you tightly, someone who saw you. You had so much love to give, you were giving Kakashi everything you had but you wondered what it would be like to receive back everything you gave. You were still young, there were still many years ahead of you and recently you wondered if you could live like this for the rest of your life. Another night of Kakashi going straight to bed without a warm greeting made you realise you couldn’t.

He didn’t notice all your belongings disappearing from your home, one by one. He didn’t notice that you no longer brought him tea after a long day. He didn’t notice you didn’t sit next to him as he read his books anymore. 

And as you walked down the dirt path laid out in front of you in the countryside, your feet carrying you since dawn after another lonely night, you wondered if he would notice the pictures that had come down from the wall. If he would notice that the only thing left from the knick knacks on your bookshelf were the empty gaps surrounded by dust. If he would notice your favourite coffee mug no longer sat next to his on your kitchen counter. As you walked through the border neighbouring the Hidden Grass, you wondered if he would notice the note you left on the coffee table and your wedding ring beside it. 


End file.
